Who I Truly Am: Part 1 12/8/16

Who I Truly Am: Part 1

I blog tonight about Who I Truly Am. This is a series of two or three parts because I am not sure how much I will be able to tell you, honestly. I have been going to counseling because of my depression and anxiety. I was also referred to a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner to evaluate my medications that I have been taking this last year. It was decided that I had BED or COE Disorder. Those may just be letters to you but to me, they were like someone had finally put me under the spotlight.

I am obese. That is no surprise to anyone who has seen my picture or has met me. But I have just tried to ignore it as a problem of self-control or should I say lack of self-c0ntr0l especially when it came to eating and snacking on fattening foods. I had always known that the trigger for gaining weight had been my childhood sexual abuse because there were two things I related to in my past.

One was that whenever the immediate abuse event was over, that night or day, I was sent to my room by my father, the perpetrator. But I didn’t go to my room, I went into the bathroom and crouched down beside the toilet and from there I could see the refrigerator. I would stop crying and go find something to eat. From that point, food became my friend, my comforter.

Over a period of time, I began gaining weight by eating all the time with “my friend.” It didn’t take long for my father to start making fun of me and calling me names because I was fat in his eyes. That is when he rejected me and the abuse stopped shortly thereafter.

So second, food now represented safety for me. It was my friend and comforter and now it kept me safe from my father’s sexual abuse. Sounds simple. Well, it was since I was a 10-year-old girl. What worked then for me, has continued on for decades with me not understanding why I was always overweight.


I tried diet after diet unsuccessfully because I felt “naked” and ashamed whenever I got down below 160 pounds and would sabotage myself and gain it all back plus an extra 20 pounds to be on the safe side. This is a true baring of my inner soul and I admit that as the counseling continues, I continue to know more about myself.

I will end tonight with Wikipedia defining BED/COE for you.

Binge eating disorder (BED) is characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes. The disorder was first described in 1959…Binge eating is one of the most prevalent eating disorders among adults.

Wikipedia defines Compulsive Eating Disorder or COE as similar to BED and defined as:

A food addiction or eating addiction is a behavioral addiction that is characterized by the compulsive consumption of palatable(e.g., high fat and high sugar) foods – the types of food which markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals – despite adverse consequences 

On my next post for Personal Thoughts, I will explain some more details of how BED works and how it can be cured…yes it can be cured but not miraculously. Talk to you soon.

God Bless,