Although I consider myself healed from my childhood sexual abuse, there will always be remnants of sexual abuse that remain. By healed, I mean that the sexual abuse is not always present in the forefront of my mind and my emotions. It means that I experience happiness, joy, peace, serenity often. Things in my life are in perspective and the abuse does not dominate my life. But I would be lying if I told you that I don’t experience the trauma, loneliness, pain, and abandonment of the sexual abuse. These are the remnants that I speak about in my poetry and are still alive within my memory when I allow myself to feel those emotions. Occasionally these memories intrude without my invitation but I have learned to limit their intrusion and use meditation and music to take me out of the dark places and into the light where hope and healing reside.
If you have experienced abuse of any kind whether sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse, there resides in you remnants of that abuse as well. Some of us are further along the road to healing than others, but there is hope and healing because I am proof of that. I have also witnessed other’s healing and hope in friends of mine who shared their journey with me. I consider myself privileged to have been part of their journey. I encourage you to share your journey not only with your counselor but with someone who you trust and experience similar feelings or circumstances. You may never reach the point that I have in being able to share publicly my abuse journey and that is okay. Some are called to share to the masses and others only to a few trusted people. Within your inner soul and spirit, you will know what you are called to share.
My Higher Power, whom I call God, has allowed me to feel loved and protected as I share my abuse. Even during my active treatment for the abuse, I was given a verse that helped me to deal with the feelings of abandonment that I felt from my mother (during my abuse) and my father, the perpetrator (after the abuse stopped). With both of my parents, I did not feel protected and loved. The verse God shared with me was:
In closing, I share with you a new poem that I have written today on All Poetry. May you find peace with your remnants and within your inner soul.
Parts of me live still in the past.
Remnants remain trapped in
my time warp between yesterday
abused and today free and loved.
My remnants don’t often intrude.
Most times they are polite awaiting
an invitation from my today self.
I invite so they feel part of me too.
Often the remnants want to remain,
but I tell them the past is their home.
In my life, there is room for remnants
and today’s joy, hope, forgiveness, love.
The remnants look askance at me and
wonder how that is so when they feel
the pain, sadness, and abandonment.
But their feelings are part of my past.
I know now that Psalm 27:10 is true.
God takes care of me and lifts me up
even when I was cast out and alone.
His protection and love are mine always.